Mixed Emotions

I did not expect this. I am just 12 days away from my departure and I am struggling with my emotions. I expected to be excited and on cloud nine. I am not. Sure I feel excited about starting this adventure and meeting the wonderful people of Kenya. I also feel somewhat excited about the flight itself. But something else has crept in, and I need to allow myself to feel all the emotion, no matter how uncomfortable I am with them.

Let me try to explain. I feel like I am on the edge of a giant cliff and I am about to jump off to see if I can fly. I know I can fly in my heart, but that slight bit of self doubt is nagging at me as I peer over the edge of the cliff and see the rocks below. What if I fall? What if I don't make it? What if I start off well, then suddenly plummet? This is how I feel about this amazing adventure I am about to step into. It is truly a step of faith, and I am trusting that God has our backs and will see us through. It doesn't mean that this is an easy step, but I know I am not going alone.

My fears will not overcome me (I am trying to hold tight to God's promises and word). I refuse to have a spirit of fear, and yet I have moments where I am a little afraid. What am I afraid of? Terrorism. Being killed. Not returning home. I know that my life in in the hands of our Lord. I am holding onto HIM with all my strength, praying that He will see this through and return me to the States safely where I can continue His work.

The other thing I have been dealing with is the feeling that this is in essence the last week of my naive and innocent view of this world. After I see and experience Africa I will never be the same. I will no longer be able to walk in this world caring only about my family and those around me. I will no longer be able to be concerned only with the welfare of my children. I will no longer be able to buy frivelous luxuries (like Starbucks or a $50 pair of jeans) without seeing the people and children I met in Africa who can benefit so greatly if I just sacrifice those luxuries for their sake. Buying new furniture or pretty decorations for my home will not feel good. I expect that it may even feel wasteful and selfish. I don't know how ready I am for these feelings. I am afraid that I will begin to feel a little anger toward America and our ways of living for ourselves while others die of starvation. I already see this in me...when I feel sickened by money going into programs to battle childhood obesity in the US, while our children in Africa don't even have the food to eat to keep meat on their bones. Why is there so much in this world, yet it is so unevenly distributed? I am wrestling with these emotions, all while trying to just enjoy my last week and a half of just being who I am today. Naive. Innocent. I have not seen, yet those things that will change me forever. I feel like I need to just breathe and be.

So if you ask me if I am excited, and I hesitate, please understand that this is uncharted water for me. I am learning and growing, and it is wonderful and amazing and painful all at the same time. I am so grateful for this opportunity to serve God and to hopefully make a difference in our world. Thank you for being a part of it.